Patinated Ponies

Unfortunately unavailable 2 might be available

He invited me to day drink with him on thursday. And we’re book swapping tomorrow. Roomie thinks I should employ some subliminal message shit, to gauge his interest/intent. I’m thinking Invisible Cities by Calvino, which is totally about love more than it’s about fictional cities. Thoughts?

Year of the Dragon

Belated New Year’s Resolutions, and how they’re going so far…

Get back to Italy shape.  I ate far too many cookies over break, and when I got back to school/when I left, I was the biggest I’ve ever been. But now I’m back in an environment where I buy my own food, so no more Oatmeal Creme Pies. I’m riding almost every day. And I feel much better already. I felt hot as hell this weekend, which actually contributed to my getting a little behind on my next resolution.

Be more selective.  At first, I phrased this “be less of a slut,” but it doesn’t really capture what I’ve decided to do. I didn’t really write about it here, but after my experience last new years, I was starting to feel really anxious about my hesitance to sleep with people I wasn’t dating. I felt like I was missing out on something, and risking something. I was also embarrassed by my number.  So I resolved to bring it up.  And I did, and I learned that I only enjoy it when I’m able to relax and turn off my head. And sometimes, going home with a stranger and relaxing was easy. But sometimes, it wasn’t. And now that I’ve had a feel for the spectrum I want to foresee which way things will turn out a little better before they start moving. Worded this way, I didn’t actually fail this resolution this weekend, but I wasn’t exactly a star pupil either. I flirted with two great great guys - guys who when we find each other at parties, we talk to for hours, guys who I know have girlfriends. And sandwiched between the great nights with the unfortunately unavailable, I had yet another night with [LRH]. But this time, I think I did it right. When I first went home with him, I really liked [LRH], and later found out that he had a girlfriend. And I was pretty crushed. I slept with him again, when he became single, and for some reason expected something more to come of it. But now I’m pretty clear on his failings as a person (and, well, his talents), and so going home with him was easy because I had no expectations. Which meant I wasn’t nervous, which meant I was totally myself. And so even though it doesn’t really mean very much to either of us, that accomplishment is an important one for me.

Say Yes to Random Adventures. I’m half-way done with law school. Soon, I’ll be working all the time. So this year, when people suggest going skiing, I want to go.  When people want me to visit them at school, I’m going. I’m going to suck the life out of weekends, and recover on Sunday.

Lately

“But the frequency of [my story’s] rejection seems like a helpful thing to mention, given how many young and apprentice writers tear through BASS every year, as I once did, wondering how one’s work ends up so enshrined. One answer: Yell into a hole, and pretend as though you’re having a conversation. Yell long enough, and suddenly you might be.”

- Tom Bissell, in his Contributor’s Note for this year’s Best American Short Stories collection (story is called ‘A Bridge Under Water’).

I love these books, and I really love reading the authors’ notes. Lately I’ve been feeling really compelled to write, but always at times when I don’t have my computer. And the iphone’s too slow for my train of thought.

Scalia, History, and What the Judges had for Breakfast

I’ve been preparing for my exam for Constitutional Law II: Religious Liberty, and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around a dissent by Scalia (for you kids with access to Westlaw, it’s in McCreary County v. ACLU, 545 US 844 (2005)), but also around the whole class and how I now feel about religion in the public sphere, now that I’m much more informed. 

The class was harder to swallow at times than I expected. I’m not a religious person - I don’t believe in God, though at times I’ve wished that I had the strength to. But if I were ever to run for office or try to get appointed as a judge? I’d say I’m Episcopalian, or Presbyterian. It’d be political suicide not to.  

McCreary is a case about a KY courthouse that put up a copy of the 10 Commandments in its halls. The majority (5-4) ruled the placement unconstitutional, in violation of the Establishment Clause, holding that the State government could not use its “speech” in way that so endorsed religion over non-religion (majority opinion by Souter). The majority relied on the requirement that the government remains neutral w/r/t religion. 

For the first time in religion clause history, or at least for the first time in remotely modern history, Scalia openly rejected the neutrality principle. On the basis of history, and the fact that the majority of Americans are monotheists, Scalia so boldly asserted that “It is entirely clear from our Nation’s historical practices that the Establishment Clause permits this disregard of polytheists and believers in unconcerned deities, just as it permits the disregard of devout atheists.”

This opinion probably gave me wrinkles; I was scowling so hard while I read it, while we talked about it in class, while I read a law review article about it, and I’m still scowling as I write about it now. 

Scalia, basing his conclusion on history, makes a circle of included religions. Inside the circle, he puts the Big Three - Christians, Jews, and Muslims. Outside the circle, are everyone else - 15% of the population, who either believe in more than one God, a god other than the Biblical god, or no god at all. This line-drawing is at its best arbitrary, and at its worst based on impermissible discrimination. 

Catholics, at the time of the Founding, weren’t in the inner circle. Up until Kennedy was elected, most thought that Catholics, because of their allegiance to the Pope, couldn’t genuinely participate in democracy. But Scalia’s Catholic, and there are lots of them now, so he breaks from his strict originalism to change the lines in the sand. 

We’ve come a long way, haven’t we, baby? 

Scalia, and others on the Court in the context of creche cases (nativity scenes), argue that religion in the public sphere creates incidental harms at most. They argue that religion is a public endeavor - you can’t truly worship alone, and so the majority has a right to worship - to come together in a way that unifies everyone. Most  say that as long as prayers are nonsectarian, they’re fine for the public sphere, refusing to go as far as Scalia. 

And what of the minority who doesn’t want to worship in this way, or doesn’t want to worship at all? 

Do we expect a Jewish president any time soon? Or even some wacky Christian - look at the flack Mormon candidates continue to get. We added the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954, in an attempt to distance ourselves from irreligious communism, and yet we act as if it’s the only way we’ve ever wanted to show our patriotism. 

I’m not so sure that the harms caused by government endorsement of religion  are as incidental as the majority is inclined to believe. I think, as O’Connor states in a creche case, “Endorsement sends a message to non-adherents that they are outsiders, not full members of the political community, and an accompanying message to adherents that they are insiders.” This is equally problematic when we endorse monotheism as it is when we endorse Christianity. 

Most Justices will balk at strict separation. But that choice is more a political decision than one based on Constitutional principles. I say go down the slope. Is it really so horrible to take “in God we trust” off our money, when it seems to imply that those who do not trust in God are incapable of civic virtue, of morality?

Last Fun Weekend of the Semester - bummer

Flirted with a 1L precisely because he looked like Dexter.

Mixed with med students, and mixed well. 

Out with a bang. Now library for forever.

Lesson from Ponies #17

On Saturday, I went to a big law school Halloween party. It was really fun. I loved my costume, I went to a great pregame, and I spent most of the night talking to this really cute Jew”ish” guy with blue eyes and dark hair. It was a slow boil, but I definitely *thought* we were flirting. I mean, I was flirting. Nothing happened, and he peaced out early which bummed me out for a second, but I found out later that he has a girlfriend.

If I were the Me from undergrad, I would think, ‘well, I might as well be friends with him.’ Not because he would be a quality friend, but because the old Me would just wait for him to break up, then old Me would be there to pick up the scraps. Right? Right?

I’ve realized that I do this on the polo field, too. Instead of going for the person I’m supposed to guard, I hang back, and wait for them to miss. With less experienced players, this works really well, but most of the time, the person I’m supposed to guard just ends up scoring.

I’ve recognized this in the arena, and have tried to be more aggressive. But I was doing it with guys as well. This weekend was good for me, because I have no desire to do what I did in undergrad. I can’t even count the boys I’ve been friends with because I was enamored by them. I’m sick of hanging back and waiting for someone to miss the ball. It’s time to start going for the free one.

Don’t Hold Grudges

My high school five year reunion was this past weekend. I had a lot to do here in the ville, so I didn’t go. And part of me was relieved.  I hated high school.  I’ve blamed it on my parents and I’ve blamed on the people that walked the halls with me.  The people who were so busy fighting over custody hours that they didn’t even see me, and the shallow rich snobs that didn’t look twice at the girl in the old navy polo shirt.

And I’m embarrassed that I don’t have a job yet.  And that I’m ballooning at a seemingly unstoppable rate because I haven’t had time to shower some weeks I’ve been so busy this year, let alone have time to go to the gym.  The work above my head is stunning me into inaction, as is the constant dread of the day it will fall.

Lately, I’ve only talked to one person from high school.  He’s my oldest friend, and we weren’t even close in high school.  We were talking about it one day this summer, and I was telling him how I didn’t have any friends back then, how it had been so awful.  And instead of getting aboard my little pity train, he told me exactly what I’ve needed to hear: “Don’t hold a grudge.”

I’ve become very aware that the times I’ve been the most crushingly unhappy are moments I’ve brought upon myself.  I’ve internalized, I’ve overanalyzed, and I’ve fixated.  I’ve been mad at the beautiful skinny girls, when really I was mad at myself for snacking every night and burying myself in my schoolbooks.  I’ve been mad at my roommates who are noisy when I can’t sleep instead of being mad at myself for not being out.  I’ve been mad at my friends who don’t like bars when really, I’m mad at myself because I don’t have the courage to go out by myself.

I’m sick of holding grudges. I’m sick of blaming other people for my unhappiness. And now I just have myself to focus on. It seems like just another huge bullet on my to-do list, but I need to start checking things off.

On Remembrance

I was in my eighth grade Latin class.  I went to school in Alexandria, and, believe it or not, we heard the plane crash into the Pentagon.  Shortly thereafter, we were all called into the gym, and were told that a plane had just hit the Twin Towers.  We went back to class.  We didn’t know what any of it meant.  After a second plane hit in New York, we were called back to the gym again, and told that we were going into lockdown, and that we’d need to call our parents and have them pick us up.  We were told we might have to wait quite a long time for them to get to us. 

We went to the ground floor of the school, and sat in the hallways.  Kids were crying.  

This is the part of my September 11 story that I haven’t told anyone, but I think it’s really shaped the way I see the day even now.  There were a lot of crying people.  Kids whose parents worked at the Pentagon, and kids who were just scared.  And I was scared, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t compelled to cry.  I had family in New York, but on Long Island.  My father worked in DC, but nowhere near the Pentagon.  And I felt that crying would make me some kind of phony.  So I sat in the hallway, afraid, but very aware about how genuine I believed my own personal fear was or wasn’t.  I sat, and waited for Mrs. K to pick me and another kid from my neighborhood up.  I sat, and read a book, and hoped that we weren’t entering World War III.

Ten years later, I don’t feel exactly the same way.  I still wasn’t affected directly by that tragic day, and I still don’t even think I know someone who knew someone who died.  I’ve heard of a lot of near-misses, near-tragedies, but no direct losses.  I still think a lot of the memorials and the Facebook posts are a little disingenuous, and I don’t want to make my remembrance overdramatic or too public (irony acknowledged, but really, this blog is mostly for me).  But at the same time, I do now see that, as an American, I’m not as unaffected as I thought I was when I was sitting in the hallway of my middle school.  

I don’t really believe in god, and I certainly don’t pray.  But I can say that I’m sorry that so many people, good and bad, died on this day ten years ago.  That so many people died and continue to die because of hatred, and that so many, nevertheless, continue to hate their perceived enemy.  I’m sorry that it happened, but I also acknowledge that I’m very lucky that this is all I feel about September 11th.

Bahahahaha

Wore a see-through top to a party tonight, and it affected a guy whose attention I was not going for.  With great tits, come great responsibility…

ruh roh